Where Are the Real Men?

The other day at the West Alabama Ice House I overheard a fellow challenging a group around him to re-cast the 1960 classic The Magnificent Seven from the crop of today's well known actors. That turned out to be quite a challenge. Names like Ben Affleck were tossed out. But if you saw him in The Sum of All Fears, the movie based on Tom Clancy's best seller, you know that he does not have the gravitas to play Jack Ryan much less any character from M7. Harrison Ford was much better in the two previous films based on Clancy's work but he is too old to be considered for this challenge.

Kieffer Sutherland was about the best we could come up with but he is essentially a one-hit wonder with his 24 television series franchise. Where are the Yul Brenner's of today? There was an actor of incredible range who could sing and dance in the King and I and yet be believable as a tough gunslinger leading a group of men hired to save a small Mexican farming village from ruthless Banditos. And where are the Eli Wallach's, Steve McQueen's, Charles Bronson's and James Coburn's today? They just are not there. Yeah, if Clint Eastwood were a bit younger and still acting instead of directing he would fill the bill. So would the late Charleston Heston or the aging Kirk Douglas. But having to choose from a contemporary list of actors, I just can't do it.

This all got me to thinking about Real Men. I don't mean Todd Palin caricatures of real men. Hunting, fishing and racing snowmobiles does not make a Real Man anymore than NASCAR is a sport. A Real Man can fix an automobile not just drive one in circles. Unfortunately it has become almost impossible to fix the modern car today without complex computer equipment and secret factory codes. The backyard real-man mechanic has been emasculated by technology.

Where did all this start? I peg that at the end of the Reagan administration. We had a weak one-term Daddy Bush in the White House followed by pretty-boy, smooth-talking Clinton. During those years we saw the rise of feminism, political correctness, the cult of diversity and finally in Dubya's first term the ill-conceived and badly executed Iraq War. Whenever I hear the theme song from M7 it says to me "Here come the good guys to kick some serious bad guy butt" and I get chills down my spine. That is what Iraq should have been but was not and ended America's hegemony in kicking butt around the world. Nobody wants cowboys anymore.

I call what has happened to the men in this country "The Wussification of America". Look at today's TV shows. No Real Man should want to watch American Idol or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition but they are immensely popular. I think a Real Man would prefer something like Bonanza or Gunsmoke but nothing like that exists on TV today. Okay, maybe the Sopranos fills the bill, but it is (or was) on cable and not really mainstream. Shows like CSI and Law and Order are great but they lack the kick-ass, get-er-done energy a Real Man needs to be entertained. The aforementioned 24 series does that but it is the exception in a sea of mediocre reality shows and crap like Desperate Housewives and convoluted nonsense like Heroes. And this trend started years ago. I realized early on that I did not want characters like Scully and Mulder... I wanted someone like Hoss Cartwright or Marshall Matt Dillon.

So what is a Real Man? For starters, he doesn't get mani-pedis and he doesn't moisturize. He does not shop at Bed, Bath and Beyond or Linens and Things. If he were to find himself in one of those stores it better be because his wife/GF dragged him there. And he better go begrudgingly if he wants to maintain his RM bona fides. He does shop at Sears, Home Depot or better yet, an authentic local hardware store where things are still displayed in open bins and not all shrink wrapped up and hanging in neat rows on pegs. Real Men know how to do things, not just talk about them. They know how to fix a leaky toilet, rebuild the lawnmower's carburetor or install a ceiling fan without having to look up instructions on the Internet. A Real Man can build a one-match fire (unlike most of those wussie morons on Survivor who couldn't light a fire with a gallon of gas and a blowtorch). And finally, a Real Man supports his family, knows how to barbecue and teaches his kids stuff - real, useful stuff - and does not just shuffle them off to in front of a computer.

So what to do? Can we turn this around? We can try. Real Men, here is your assignment: Get out there and build a fire, burn some meat, toss down a cold one and start planning your next trip to the hardware store. If we are going to make some changes, we are going to need some tools!

Note: The Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com) was most helpful in researching this rant.